kitty cat thoughts

moon thoughts

okay so I'm a big fan of the moon, and space in general, this is likely evident. I've been following along here and there with the artemis ii mission, and yesterday I tuned in for the lunar flyby, because it was very cool and impressive and there's a lot of good science to do; this is all perfectly nice. but gosh, the tone of everything seems slightly off. maybe if I went back to the late 60s and 70s and watched moon stuff happening then, I would have the same lingering feeling that I do right now, but I wasn't alive then (damn my short cat lifespan) and I wasn't as privy to the horrors being conducted by the united states at home and abroad. but I'm certainly here for the current ones! and maybe this being in the moment for it is what's helping my thoughts crystallize here. and for what it's worth, I doubt this is at all a novel observation.

so like, this kind of big space mission is partly american imperialist propaganda, right? I don't think that's necessarily controversial to say. there's so much overlapping here: the military industrial complex, american exceptionalism, and this veneer (genuinely felt by those involved or not) of this having a sort of global unalloyed benefit. and I'm not going to say, oh well let's not explore space, because I love when we explore space! I don't have anything against what we are tangibly doing when we send a spacecraft out to have a look around. but I think there's a lot of secondary purposes that are being achieved here.

okay so chew on this: in the american psyche, astronauts are kind of like a troop, right? do you know what I mean? for one thing, in order to even get to where they are in their careers many astronauts start out in the military; if you're a pilot in the air force, even better. and this does make some sense, they'd have experience with strict protocols, skills with controlling very intricate vehicles with lots of complicated tech, and they are already within a class of people to whom we give a lot of implicit trust, the "best of the best" if you will - those with the "right stuff". and on top of this, as astronauts, they get to do something that is not only very technically impressive, but something with far more scientific applications than simply vaporizing innocent brown people in the dead of night. going to space and breaking the boundaries of human exploration is sort of inherently noble, it's cleaner, it's something we can be proud to broadcast for the entire world to see. but I think this is also used as a means of cleaning the reputation of the military (or I suppose pseudo-military, though with the space force being a thing these of days, maybe the distinction is less important). right now we are doing a lot of fascist imperialist shit. instead of fucking up vietnam like we were last time, it's fucking up iran. ice are going around kidnapping people off the fucking street. social programs are being eaten away from the inside until nothing remains and people lose housing and healthcare and the services they need to live. but hey, look at us everyone! america, the coolest good guys, going around the moon! doesn't that fill you with a deep patriotic spirit? don't you want to just froth at the fucking mouth every time you see those stars and stripes emblazoned on the side of a beautiful spacecraft? don't you want to fucking cum at the thought of it? we named this iteration of the orion capsule "integrity", for fuck's sake. integrity??? show me some american integrity that is actually coming from the state and not from us regular folks who just want to continue living here in peace, please show me that.

and look, I knew a lot of this going into it. I could watch along and roll my eyes occasionally, because despite all this, I am still fascinated by it, there's still something good being done here. but yesterday I heard something that gave me some pause. so, a proud american tradition is saying some sappy shit when you're out there in space. that's allowed! in space you are allowed to get a bit emotional, I think it would be weird not to. as they started to pass behind the moon, before losing signal with earth, victor glover said some things about jesus and loving your neighbor and stuff like that. whatever, I rolled my eyes a little because I'm not a christian, but if you're going to focus on a tenet of christian morality, that's a pretty good one. maybe could have been a bit more pointed, but yknow, they're operating within some constraints, and astronauts kind of need to be a bit america-pilled to even be allowed up there, so whatever. what kinda upset me a little was what happened when they emerged on the other side. christina koch said a few words about what she felt as they passed behind the moon, what she saw as her vision of the future for lunar exploration. she said yes, we will return here, we will land, and walk around, send out rovers, build settlements. that's okay so far. I have mixed feelings about the idea of marring the face of our celestial companion more than is absolutely necessary, but I get it in the name of Science(tm), sure. but she continued on, and said how she could see opportunities for new commerce, and industries. okay. again, I know that these folks are absolutely languishing in the stew of american capitalist brainrot, but you just witnessed something extraordinary, and you said in so many words "hey guys, I think we could set up a pretty good extractive economy here!" like, forget the impending oil crisis, forget what's happening in the strait of hormuz, forget climate change. I think the moon might very well provide us with Oil 2.0! let's not learn any lessons, let's plow ahead, with integrity of course, and continue imagining a shining capitalist future despite every other indicator that it's a dysfunctional system.

before I completely lose myself here, obviously I don't like, hate her for this. it's whatever, it's what I expect from them, it's sort of part of their job. it just made my heart sink, you know? these are very intelligent and imaginative people; you can get that impression just watching them work. I do have a lot of respect for them, in some ways. it just feels like we're all still asleep, stuck in this weird unworkable dream, unwilling to try and wake up from it. can we no longer imagine a world for everyone? a world where we can explore and discover and work together across our funny little arbitrary boundaries? up in space, you just see the earth, you don't see lines in a map. I don't imagine for a second that any of those four astronauts haven't thought about this, haven't felt this profoundly. but they're ultimately tools of the american imperialist apparatus. you can't always say your mind during moments like that, that isn't their job.

so, I still hope for their safe return, and I look forward to future missions, how could I not? but it pains me to see our unique brand of poison being taken with us wherever we go. it seems more appropriate to me that we work out our messes here on earth before we start spreading them around, before some idiot tries to build a datacenter or a cryptocurrency mine up there or something. christina also said something else, something to the effect of them "going for all of earth". I think that's a lovely sentiment. perhaps someday it will be true.

I need to start a garden

it's not just a haley heynderickx album (which I'd recommend of course); it's a genuine desire that's been welling up in my gut for a long time now. I've had some fits and starts. a few years ago I tried growing squash: I dug out a little plot of our wild and unkempt yard, part of what was originally our proper garden area when I was growing up, and I planted some seeds. it brought me incredible joy to watch them grow. eventually, they flowered, and I knew that squash flowers on their own were a bit of a delicacy, you can batter and fry them up (though I am not as culinarily adventurous as I'd prefer), but I knew what I wanted was delicious summer squash, so I let them be.

then they all fucking died!

I think what got them is what you might call "powdery mildew" in the gardening business, it certainly fit that description. I know it's just something that happens sometimes, but unfortunately I really took it to heart and I left the experience deflated and defeated. it's taken me some time to finally warm up to the prospect again.

this time I'm going to be trying a few different things: radishes, beets, pole beans, and summer squash once again. I imagine that like in many operations, a diversity of tactics is desireable. plus, radishes have a hell of a turnover rate, only three weeks to maturity, so even if I fuck up a little I can keep pressing on. surely I can't have miserable luck every time, right? I have good memories of helping my grandfather with his radish patch when I was a kid, and I love those spicy little suckers, I imagine if I can harvest a crop I'll likely eat a few of them raw right then and there (well, rinsed off of course), maybe with some salt.

I want to know that I can bring something valuable into the world. I've been jealous for some time of people who have the problem of "too much yield" and are blessed with the chore of going around to all their friends, trying to foist free fresh garden veggies on them. and I want to build up my skills and confidence if I can; I'm interested in assisting with community gardening in the near future, because that's the kind of earthy crunchy mutual aid I'm most interested in. it would be a blessing to provide for my neighbors and help build up some delicious sustainable infrastructure. with the world the way it's been lately (read: kind of shit), we can use any kind of leg up we can get.

so yeah, yesterday I bought some seeds. the yard is still in beautiful late-winter stasis, slumbering under a foot or so of snow. I know soon it will melt, and spring will come, and our perrenial wildflowers will start to bloom. I suppose one advantage I have is that we've made this place into pollinator heaven, so I hope those cute insects also enjoy my gardening. I'm sure some will want to eat it, as well. we have squirrels and rabbits and woodchucks and possums and skunks, and I can already imagine them decimating my poor crops. but that's okay. I have no intention of developing an antagonistic relationship with them, they're just doing what they do, and if they enjoy some fresh beet greens or something, good for them.

but, you know. I still hope I can grow enough to eat for myself. and if I'm lucky, there will be plenty extra to share.